Archbishop of Catterbury

So little Kittenpants started a blog, eh?  And even got Midnight to post on it?  Well, I’d better show those whippersnappers that I’m not totally behind the times.  I mean, I may be thirteen, but I’m in better shape than either of those other cats.  Thursday night, I’d had enough of the other two.  I’d been stuck in the house for an entire day with that new little interloper, Esther.  The humans obviously think she’s harmless, but I know kittens.  I haven’t stopped letting her know who the real boss of the house is, but she’s been mostly interested in chasing some little feather around.  Since I’ve been trying to teach Esther who the boss is, I figured I might as well remind that fat Midnight, too.  Of course, Midnight doesn’t seem to appreciate this lesson.  She probably figures that since she lived with our Human longer, she deserves to be the boss.  Whippersnapper.  Harrumph.

So on Thursday night, I decided to go outside, right when the humans were going to bed.  I had my night all planned out – some time checking out the little hoppy guy that our Human calls “Mr. Bun-Buns” (she is so undignified!), and then climbing through the gap in the fence into the wild rose bush, back into the shrubs in the back yard where the cardinals and the finches and the mourning doves have their nests, for a snuggle into the warm, dry leaves beneath.  When I would wake up, I’d find some squirrels to chase, and then walk along the fences until I found something interesting to check out.  When I got hungry, I’d head back for the shrubs in the back yard, to wait for the humans to call me.

I had a great time – pouncing on leaves, sniffing after rabbits, chasing squirrels, exploring all the neighbor-humans’ yards.  When the sun started to come up in the morning, I found a warm shrub to snuggle up underneath, for a good nap.  A few times during the day, I would roll over, yawn, stretch, and consider getting up… but then I’d settle back into the leaves and fall back to sleep.  The sun came through the leaves and the branches just enough to keep me warm and drowsy and happy.  There are good nap spots inside my house, but nothing compares to a nap under a shrub on a warm summer day.  Mmmmm.

In the afternoon, I heard the humans calling me a few times, but I didn’t feel like going back just yet.  I chased squirrels for a while, pounced on bugs and leaves… but then I got a little bored.  I missed the girl and the boy, and I was getting ready for some dinner.  When I come back home after being outside, the humans always make a big fuss over me.  They give me hugs, and they make sure there’s lots of fresh water, and best of all, they fill my dish with wonderful food.  It is the greatest feeling ever, how much they love me.  When The Human picked me up, she scolded me a little, something about missing your doctor appointment, but I didn’t care.

Today, I think I’ll mostly stay inside.  I may go out for a little while, especially if that little scrap Esther bugs me.  Or I may just nap in front of the window and enjoy the warm sunshine on my soft blanket.  Mmmm – doesn’t that sound wonderful?  I miss my old Human sometimes, but the new humans are nice to me.  I just wish they would get rid of Midnight and that little thing Esther… but maybe I can teach her right.  Yeah, I’ll teacher her how to be a cat, and not just a patsy for those silly humans.

So my mother wrote a post for this Friday Five thing, and I figured if a hooman can do it, I can too.  I just had to convince her to type it up for me, since I don’t have those opposable thumb thingies.  It’s okay – that’s why I have staff here, to take care of menial chores like typing.

So the question is, what five things must the staff bring for me when they travel?

And my answer is, hrmph!  They never take me on trips any more!  I got to go on one trip when I was just a baby, not much bigger than Esther is now.  The staff went to Gatlinburg, TN, to stay in a condo for a week and see all the sights.  One time along the drive there, they stopped for lunch, and gave me some water when they finished.  The hoomans in the car next to us said I was just the cutest thing they’d ever seen.  Well, of course!  I was a kitten!  Everybody knows kittens are adorable.  I mean, really!  I spent all the time there in the condo, and the hoomans and their children came in and went out.  I slept on the little girl’s bed, and she liked that a lot.  It was weird to have my litter box in a different place, and my food and water, but mama was nice enough to show me where they were.  There were great big windows that went all the way down to the floor.  Those silly hoomans called them doors, but I know what windows are!  You can’t see through doors, you silly hoomans!  Sheesh!

Anyway, so if I got to go on a trip again, I guess what I would have to take with me would be…

1. Staff.  I mean, of course!  I can’t open those cans of food by myself!  And who would be there to pet me and brush me and call me the prettiest kitty in the world?  That’s right – at least one hooman would have to come with me.
2. Foods.  It’s fun to chase flies or to munch on houseplants, but they always make my tummy sick.  So I need to bring some of my foods with me so the hooman can give them to me.
3. Definitely not any other kitties!  I get enough of Majesty and Esther as it is – they can stay home and make sure the house is okay while I’m on my trip with my mama.  And then mama doesn’t have any other kitties to pet and brush and coo over; I’ll get all of her attention to myself.  The way it should be.
4. The litterbox.  Mom has this thing about the litterbox.  She’s always cleaning it and scooping out the stuff in it every day.  I guess it’s nice that way.  I don’t like to go in it when it’s all stinky and messy and gross.  I could use the outside, I guess, but then I might get my paws wet or dirty or yucky… and then mama might give me a bath!  No, thank you!
5. My puppy Cinnamon Bun.  When I was a baby kitten, like that brat Esther, mama’s little girl gave me a sweet, soft little puppy-dog she called Cinnamon Bun.  I don’t think Cinnamon Bun was a real dog, because he didn’t smell like one, and he never moved or ate or chased me.  But he was soft and warm and so nice to snuggle with and go to sleep on.  Then one day, the little girl took the puppy back, and I didn’t get to snuggle with him any more.  I thought that was pretty selfish and mean.  So my next hairball went into her shoes.

Okay, so, like, whatever.  I don’t know if anyone will read this.  I kinda figure it’s mostly hoomans on this interweb thing.  Do any of y’all RevGals who are traveling want to bring a kitty with you?  My mama tells me I’m the prettiest kitty ever.  Of course, she says that to Esther and Majesty, too.  Hrmph.

Yesterday was a very exciting day for me.  This lady was coming out of a great big building, and I meowed at me.  She said to me, “Hello, little kitty.  What’s the matter?”  I meowed again, and then took her home to where my brother and sisters were sleeping.  They hadn’t done anything but sleep and cry since our mama went away, and we had to stay alone in our home behind the bushes for two days without mama.  I was worried about them, and I had to get help.  I had found water and chased a mouse, but the others wouldn’t leave home to eat or drink.  They sounded so weak and sad.  The lady followed me to our home, and then she put her hands to her mouth and said, “Oh, you poor babies!”  She scooped me into her arms and took me to her car.  She got out a funny bag – it was nice to scratch! – and went back to our home behind the bushes.  She picked up one sister, my brother, my other sister, and she put them into the bag.  I could hear their little mews… and then she put me in the bag, too!  I didn’t like that; I wanted to be up in her arms again, where it was warm and I could see things and it felt like mama.  We went back to her car, and she put the bag on the seat next to her, and then the car started moving.

I wanted to see, so I climbed out of the bag and onto the seat.  The lady said, “You silly baby!  Come here, kittenpants!”  She scooped me up again and held me close to her.  I wanted to see more of the car – it looked like a fun place to explore, and there were some funny smells inside – but every time I got up to her shoulder, she pulled me back down in front of her.  After a couple tries, I settled down against her, and it was warm and soft and it felt like mama again.  She said, “Ooooh, I hear your little purr-box going, kitty!”  And I realized I was purring, really loud.  I can’t remember purring since mama went away, but the lady felt nice.

After a little while, the car stopped moving, and the lady tried to put me back in the bag, but I was not going back in there!  I wanted to see!  She signed and cradled me on her arm, then carried the bag into another building.  There were other ladies in there, and they oohed and aahed and fussed over my brother and sisters.  They seemed really worried, and they held the others and said words like dehydrated and just the right foster for these babies and hope this one makes it.  That was the lady holding my brother, and he looked pretty bad.  One of the ladies gave the mama-feeling lady a box, saying something like it’s not safe to drive with a kitty in your lap, and she said thank you.

The mama-feeling lady carried me back out to the car, and then she put me in the box.  I did not like that!  I wanted to see everything!  I wanted to find those funny smells!  And I wanted to find my mama, but I liked this lady who felt like her.  I started to meow, and the lady talked back to me.  “It’s okay, little kittenpants.  After we’re around the corner, I’ll take you back out of the box again.  Shhhh, baby, it’s okay.”  And she did.  The car had to stop for a couple minutes, and she opened up the box and held me close to her again.  I snuggled against her and started purring again.  She talked to me the whole time the car was moving.  “We’re almost home, baby!  You’ll like it there.  You’ll have a mama and a daddy and Midnight and Majesty and even Trillian.”  I didn’t know who all those names were, but a mama and a daddy sounded nice.  Then the car stopped again, and the lady picked me up and took me into a house.

The house was neat.  Inside was a man, who said “Hi, warriormare!  I’m glad you’re home!”  She said, “Hi, maplestar!  Look who came home with me today!”  And the mama-lady – warriormare, I guess – held me out to the man so he could see me.  He said I was really cute, but he wasn’t ready to hold me yet.  Warriormare set me down on the floor, and I saw another kitty there.  Mama?  No, this kitty wasn’t the right color.  Warriormare said, “Majesty, this is the new baby.  Can you be nice to her?  She needs a mama and a daddy and a nice home.”  Majesty sniffed at me, and I sniffed at her.  She was a nice kitty, and Warriormare smiled at us.  Then she picked me back up and took me into another big room.  She set me down on the couch – I’d never been on anything like this before!  It was soft and warm and felt just right for a nap, but I wasn’t ready for a nap yet.  I wanted to see everything in this house!

It’s a nice house, with lots of places to hide and lots of places that are warm and snuggly and plenty of good spots for naps.  There aren’t any bushes inside, and it doesn’t rain, and when it gets dark, warriormare and maplestar let me sleep on their great big bed with them.

This morning, Majesty and the other kitty, Midnight, started hissing at me.  I got down on my belly and looked down, but they still hissed at me, and Midnight growled at me, too.  Then they started hissing at each other, and running away from each other.  I don’t understand why they have to be so nasty to each other.  We all live in this house together, and we all have the same mama and daddy.  Warriormare and maplestar love us and feed us and take good care of us.  I don’t want either of them to go away, because even though they’re kind of mean, we all live in the same house, and we’re all a family together.  But I wish they could see the nice things about each other.  I will pray that I have the grace to help them see the best things that they have for our family.  And I know that my new mama and daddy – warriormare and maplestar – will always love us and feed us and take care of us.